This time I’ve decided to make the screen caps just a little bit smaller. Nothing against big pics, but I’m trying to make these recaps load a little faster for those readers with slower internet connections. Hope this helps!
We start off with Sam in front of the campfire, so engrossed in an old book that she doesn’t even notice when the other kids try to get her attention.
Tucker tries to pour a bucket of water over her head for a couple of laughs, but Gary stops him. Normally, I’d call him a lame-ass for this, but clearly he’s just trying to get into Sam’s pants, so I guess I can’t totally blame him. There are definitely worse ways to get a girlfriend.
When the gang finally gets Sam’s attention, she smiles and says that she was so totally into this history book that she just didn’t notice what was going on around her. I’m all about enjoying books, Sam, but seriously, you’ve got to keep your wits about you. You’re a pretty blonde girl out in the woods at night–if this were a horror movie, you’d be the first one to die a grisly death, so you’d better pay more attention to your surroundings
Frank acts like a dick and makes fun of Sam for enjoying history so much. Sam’s all, “Shut up, Frank, you totally weren’t complaining when you asked me to study history the other day after school.”
Is that what the kids call it these days? “Studying history”?
Frank smirks and says he just wanted to hang out and stuff, because he’s really good at hanging out (that’s what she said), unlike lame-asses like Gary.
So Gary grabs a rock and is all, “Eff you, Frank! My dad owns a magic shop! I’m going to make this rock disappear into your skull!”
As the boys begin to fight, Tucker takes bets on who will be the sole survivor.
Ahem… actually, Gary just kind of looks down and Tucker asks Sam to start her story. But don’t you wish Gary would kick Frank’s ass? Just a little bit? I make fun of Gary a lot, but I think Frank is a smug jerk… which is probably why I was so attracted to him as a young girl. Go figure.
Anyway, Sam sits down and explains, in her most dramatic story voice, that history can repeat itself. And if you don’t learn from the past, you’re doomed to repeat its mistakes…DUM DUM DUM!
Then we cut to a regular old American high school classroom, where the big brother from Boy Meets World is staring longingly at a pretty girl sitting across the room. His name is Jimmy, and he’s a smart guy who is totally hot in his knickers for April, though he’s way too much of a wuss to tell her so.
During class, April catches Jimmy staring at her, and kind of smiles at him. Sweet!
After school, while Jimmy and his Bill Cosby sweater are taking their usual route through the park, when suddenly he hears a horse neighing loudly from somewhere nearby.
Then he notices an old knife laying on the ground and crouches down to investigate. Clearly Jimmy’s scared of hot girls, but he’s not too scared of being shivved while walking alone in a semi-secluded wooded area. He’s a complicated man, that Jimmy.
But then, as he reaches down to examine the knife, a dirty hand comes out from the bushes and grabs him! AhhHhHhHHHh!!!!
Jimmy screams like a girl and then hauls ass out of there, but not before catching a brief look at the guy in the bush (who, judging from his outfit, is either a time-traveler or escaped Colonial Williamsburg castmember). In any case, good move, Jimmy. You’ll definitely survive longer than that dummy, Sam.
Funny story: as a kid, I actually thought that Jimmy was a total wuss for running off. Seriously–I thought he should have stayed around and confronted the dirty guy lingering in the bushes, guarding A KNIFE. I imagined myself totally taking charge of the situation, which is very realistic, since chubby little twelve-year-old Philippino girls are known for their abilities to kick ass and take names.
The next day at school, Jimmy approaches April at her locker and tries to say something witty about how boring class was today. Normally this would be a safe topic, but April is Asian, so she’s obligated to really like school. Jimmy back-tracks and says that he wishes the teacher would talk faster, which is why the class is, erm, so boring?
He tries to ask April to go ice skating this weekend, but gets totally cock-blocked by some other dude with a lot more confidence. April says she wants to go skating with Jimmy this weekend, and Jimmy is all, “It’s cool, I’m a total loser, you should go hang out with the other guy,” and pretends to go get something from his locker.
So I guess it’s not so much a cock-block as a douche flair-up.
Whatever. After school, Jimmy is all upset and shit as he walks home… in the same park, using the same path as before. Looks like Jimmy was smart enough to run away from the crazy guy with a knife in the bushes, but obviously not smart enough to call the police or even choose a new route home.
He hears the horse again, and sees the same guy running around, only this time he’s carrying a musket. Jimmy, rapidly losing IQ points, starts to wander off the path, into the wooded section of the park, saying bad-ass shit like, “You think I don’t see you? Why don’t you come out here? I’m not scared of you!”
Did Jimmy just morph into Shaft or something?
He’s way less tough when the guy comes up behind him, frantically asking for the way to Harrisville. Jimmy and Colonial Guy share a moment, then have to haul balls when a bunch of red coats comes out of the woods and starts shooting at them.
Colonial Guy yells that if they’re captured, they’ll be hanged. They hide out in a little pit behind some logs, but one of the red coats catches up and seems just about ready to bayonet both of their honky asses. Ruh-roh! As Jimmy cowers in the fetal position, Colonial Guy sits up and prepares to make his heroic last stand…
Jimmy lays there screaming at… nothing. All the ghosts are gone, but you know who just came by?
Jimmy tries to salvage the situation by pretending to look for a contact lens. No word on why he would be screaming as he looks for it on the forest floor. I think it would have been way more believable for Jimmy to tell them he was high on PCP or something. In any case, as he pretends to look for his contact lens, Jimmy finds something more interesting: a button off of Colonial Guy’s coat.
The following day, Jimmy goes to an antique store and has the button appraised by a fellow who looks an awful lot like a Northern Colonel Sanders.
Doesn’t it sort of look like they’re going to kiss?
Anyway, the Colonel tells Jimmy that this is a button from a colonial soldiers coat, and it looks really, really new. The Colonel also explains that the park with all the ghosts on it was the sight of a Revolutionary War battle between the British and a bunch of Minutemen.
After school, Jimmy, April, and their douche-flair-inducing friend go to the park to hang out and play frisbee. Just a tip–maybe try to stay away from haunted parks with dangerous ghosts in the future, Jim. I’m just trying to help you out here.
Jimmy accidentally throws the frisbee into the woods, so he tells April and the other guy (correct me if I’m wrong, but they never give him a name) to go on without him while he goes into the woods to search for it.
Once off the path, Jimmy hears the sounds of horses and musket fire. He decides to GTFO before anything crazy happens, but gets caught and surrounded by the Brits.
They are leading Jimmy to their camp (where it looks like they’re going to hang him) when a musket shot rings out nearby. It’s Colonial Guy, who screams, “Long live liberty!”
Thank God those muskets took so long to load, because he totally wouldn’t have been able to get away with that today. Colonial Guy frees Jimmy and they run off into the woods and hide in a little clearing. Colonial Guy begs Jimmy to guide him to Harrisville, where he needs to deliver a locket to a girl named Emmaline. Colonial Guy is in love with Emmaline, but never had the guts to come out and tell her so. He hopes that by going to Harrisville and giving her a pretty locket, he can prove his love for her AND stop her wedding to a man Em doesn’t love.
Colonial Guy says that he and Jimmy “share the same spirit.” He gives Jimmy his knife “to bind our friendship.” Yeesh. Colonial Guy, I’m sure you have a nice personality. There’s no need to give people things all the time–I’m sure you can make friends without all that.
Jimmy asks Colonial Guy what year it is, and CG replies that it’s 1780, which I guess is supposed to be surprising or something? I don’t know. I think it’s pretty obvious with all the British soldiers, isn’t it?
Anyway, the red coats catch up to Jimmy and CG (no wonder, they were yacking for awhile), and so they split up because they have a better chance at getting away. As he runs off, CG begs Jimmy not to forget his promise to take him to Harrisville. Jimmy makes a break for it, wandering into the very modern road behind the park, where he almost gets run over by an equally modern Mack truck.
But he still has the knife, so he can’t be crazy! Time for another trip to KFC.
The Colonel says that this knife is in great condition. He looks at the inscription and finds that it belonged to a guy named Lieutenant William. The Colonel loans Jimmy a history book so he can find out more about Lieutenant William.
Because knowledge is power!
At school, instead of paying attention during history class, Jimmy reads about Lt. William. It seems that William was ultimately captured by the Brits and hung from a tree before getting to Harrisville to profess his love to the fair Emmaline. Oh noes!
Jimmy jumps up and tells the teacher he needs to be excused to help a friend, but the teacher sniffs and tells Jimmy that his friend can wait. Normally I would have an issue with her dismissive tone, but she is technically right about this one. At least Jimmy’s outburst has one positive outcome–April seems curious and concerned about Jimmy’s situation, which makes him this much closer to some kind of pity date.
After school, April and the Douche-Flairer (who is carrying a boom box for some reason, though maybe they just randomly did that in the nineties) ask Jimmy what’s going on. He tells them about Lieutenant William, Emmaline, and the red coats, and how he knows he needs to find some way to help save William’s life so he can get to Harrisville. Jimmy asks to borrow Douche-Flairer’s boom box.
Oh, and we find out his name is Josh. Hi, Josh.
So Jimmy goes into the woods and finds CG (AKA Lt. William) tied to a tree by the red coats, who are preparing to hang him. Jimmy distracts them by turning the boom box up really loud. They leave Lieutenant William back at the tree while they go off to investigate the source of the generic 90s rock songs. Jimmy takes the opportunity to begin untying him.
When they find the boom box, the Brits aren’t all that impressed. Instead, the leader calls the colonialists a bunch of “barbarians,” because obviously boom boxes were already uncool in the 1780s.
Jimmy and Lieutenant William haul ass with the red coats in hot pursuit. Jimmy tells Lieutenant William how to get to Harrisville, and William takes his sweet time instructing Jimmy not to make the same mistakes he did with Emmaline, because Jimmy should tell April that he loves her.
Jimmy’s all, “Yeah, ok, now GFTO while I distract them!”
The two run off in seperate directions. The Brits come after Jimmy, with the lead red coat closing in.
It’s at that point that April shows up and walks right into the path of the rampaging British ghost-horse. Jimmy screams (again) and runs to save her. He knocks her out of the way,and the two land safely (and sexily) on the forest floor.
Jimmy screams for the rider to leave them alone, and finds that it’s not a bayonet-wielding dude with an accent, but the pretty brunette horseback rider from “The Tale of the Hungry Hounds” (recap coming soon). Kinda neat, right? Way to tie shit together.
Jimmy asks April why she’s here in the woods, and April says that she was really worried about Jimmy because she cares about him. Jimmy admits that he really cares about April, too, and likes her a lot. Awww….
He wonders aloud about the fate of Lieutenant William, then looks down at his knife just as (cue magical wind-howling) the inscription of “Lieutenant William” changes to “Captain William.” Looks like he survived, after all.
April takes the whole “ghost knife” thing in stride and is only mildly amazed. I guess she would have been more impressed by some extra CG, but dammit, we’re on a budget here, ok, April? Yeesh.
Then Jimmy looks down and notices the Lieutenant’s locket. He opens it up and sees Emmaline’s and the Lieutenant’s portraits painted inside. Why does Emmaline have a bad case of smash-face and/or look like the real-life cat woman? And why does William look like a twelve-year-old hobbit girl?
Jimmy gives the locket to April as a token of his affection, which April happily accepts.
In voiceover, Sam explains that Jimmy and April went on their first date that night. Afterward, Jimmy checked the history book and found that the paragraph about William had changed to say that William married Emmaline, got promoted to Captain, and lived happily ever after.
“As for Jimmy and April,” says Sam, “I’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves.” Does EVERYTHING have to be about doing the nasty, Sam? Honestly.
Cut back to the camp fire, where Kiki admits that history can be interesting after all. Frank grudgingly admits that history can be cool, then tells Sam that he has two tickets to the Phantasmagoria concert and if she’d like to go, she’s more than welcome.
Sam says she’s already going to the concert, just not with Frank. Instead, she’s planning to go with Betty Ann and Gary, so Frank can just go home and suck it while Gary shows up like a pimp with two pretty girls on his arm.
You got served, Frank!
Tucker teases Frank about being a dateless asshole, and runs off as Frank tries to bash his head in, leaving Kiki alone to put out the fire.
The moral of this story: History is awesome, especially when there are ghosts and Ebay-able items involved. Bonus points if you can roll around in the mud with your crush!