This week’s post comes a little late. You can blame my evil professors for that. How DARE they give me a bunch of essays and shizz to do over the weekend? I was very clear with them after the whole debacle with my mid-terms that they were NOT to interfere with my posting schedule. Grrr. Anyway, this recap is about a day late, but it’s a bit longer than usual, so hopefully that makes up for the mini-wait.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been focusing my snark exclusively on Are You Afraid of the Dark? recaps, so I thought it might be fun to do one for the Baby-Sitters Club TV show, since I haven’t done one in a little while.
Since we started off with the Stacey model-fetish episode, we’re a little out-of-sequence here, but whatevs.
This is the first episode in the series, so the first few minutes are a real treat. Kristy, in the guise of a journal entry, introduces herself as president of the Babysitter’s Club, and gives us a little exposition on what the BSC be all about, yo.
We get shots of all the gals doing their thang, like when Dawn got locked in the bathroom with everyone’s favorite devious little ginger kids, the Rodowsky boys. It seems li’l Jackie thought it would be funny to rig up the doorknob to fall off in her hands, trapping them all in there.
Um… how would that be funny? It just sounds kind of awkward and, at times, smelly.
In voiceover, Kristy asks, “Do you know what it’s like to be trapped in a bathroom with three freckle-faced red-heads?”
Hey, Kristy? They can’t help being ginger, ok? If you keep making fun of them, pretty soon Jackie and his brothers are going to start a ginger revolution, and we certainly don’t want THAT to happen.
And then there’s this really weird shot of Kristy feeding a baby bottle to a piglet swaddled in a blanket. WTF?
Anyway, now that we’ve got the exposition out of the way, with all the hilarity and crazy ass shenanigans that our lovely ladies must endure–BTW, who introduces themselves to their diary? Just wondering–we can get to the real meat and potatoes.
The intro for this episode is actually not as annoying as usual. The girls are all just hanging out, taking funny pics together in the park.
It’s cute and stuff, but what I want to know is, who gets to be the one left out of all of the photographs? That sucks. I think it’s Mallory, which just shows once again that the BSC is biased against ginger kids.
After the picture-taking sesh, they all laugh at the pics and/or throw popcorn at one another.
You just KNOW that Kristy tried to get the other girls to take topless pictures for her “special collection.” YOU KNOW IT!!!
All right, so enough lallygagging. We’re back at Kristy’s house now, where this meeting of the BSC is now in session. There’s some random talk about boring, club-related business, a few mean jokes about ginger children, some talk about kid-kits, you know, the usual.
Mrs. Rodowsky calls for a babysitter on Saturday, and Kristy giggles and says they’ll get back to her.
Dawn totally doesn’t want to go near those red-headed monsters again, so Mary Anne volunteers for the job instead because she likes Jackie Rodowsky “even if he is a walking disaster.”
Umm… It’s your job, duh. Stop alienating the regular clients!
Then Logan calls to book a sitter for his little sister later in the week since he’s busy studying or some shit. Mary Anne uses this opportunity to ask Logan if he wants to come along on Saturday to babysit the Rodowsky kids with her.
The other members of the BSC are all, “Ooooooh!” and start to lecture Mary Anne about proper condom use. When it’s clear that Mary Anne might pee herself in embarrassment, Stacey points out that everybody is just jealous of Mary Anne and wishes they had a nice boyfriend like she does.
Of course, Kristy is all, “Aww hell noes!” and says that she doesn’t need a boyfriend, because she’s got all those topless photos of everybody.
Well, I mean, she doesn’t come right out and SAY the topless photos thing, but I think it’s implied. She actually says that the boys at Stoneybrook are all gross and “mooky,” which I guess means, “don’t look enough like girls.”
On the following day (I’m assuming this because Kristy and Mary Anne are wearing different clothes) the BSC and sexy ass Logan are all hanging out at the local department store to grab some useless crap.
Take a look at that awesome hunk of meat. You’ve just got to love a man whose accent fluctuates between a badly-done Southern drawl and a vague New Jersey twang. It’s sort of like Tony Soprano and Huckleberry Finn had a blonde, slightly goofy-looking baby.
Because he’s super-sensitive, Logan offers to just stand there while Kristy and Mary Anne go look at earrings or something.
Kristy is all, “I don’t need no stinkin’ earrings!” and goes off to the sports section with Big L while Mary Anne hangs back with the girly crap.
Cut to skanky Marcy and her two ho-ish friends preening in front of a mirror nearby.
While they’re trying on new makeup, Marcy’s two friends kiss her ass for a minute, then Marcy mentions that she’s decided they’re all going to dress as hippies for the upcoming costume party. She reminds them to talk endlessly about “the corporations” and to randomly tell people they are “Eickmans” and stuff.
BTW, if you haven’t, do yourself a favor and click on that link up there… It’s a link to the South Park Studios page, where you can watch the “Die, Hippie, Die!” episode for free online. You can also find the “Ginger Kids” episode, which is total a classic.
It’s okay, I’ll wait…
… … …
Ahem, anyway, back in Stoneybrook, Marcy notices Logan’s sexy ass checking out some sporting goods. The girls sit around and talk about how hot he’s supposed to be, and my girl Marcy makes a bet that she can get into Logan’s pants and/or get him to take her to the costume party, despite the fact that he’s already with Mary Anne.
Marcy says that Mary Anne is a total wimp and that Logan would have a lot more fun with her, anyway.
Hey, you know what, Marcy? I might just want to kick your a–
Ugh, who am I kidding? I totally agree. I mean, come on. I can’t fault Marcy for speaking the truth, now can I? Speaking of “truth”…
So, listen… As we all know, the acting on this show can be a little bit, erm, QUESTIONABLE at times. Marcy stands out because, though she’s not quite the next Meryl Streep, she does do a pretty good job acting like a hussy in this ep. It leads me to believe that she is either an unusually talented young actress, or just a big ho in real-life.
I’m voting for Door Number Two.
Then we’ve got a quick scene with Mary Anne and the rest of the girls trying on some fugly earrings. Mary Anne is diggin’ on one pair, but can’t buy them because they’re for pierced ears. Dawn tells Mary Anne that she should just go and get her ears pierced right now, but Mary Anne says that she can’t do that without asking her Dad, and she “just can’t” do that because he’d only say no.
Normally, I would make fun of Mary Anne but, well, yeah. I didn’t think you could get your ears pierced without at least a signature or something. I know this is supposed to be another indication of what a wimp Mary Anne is supposed to be, but she actually does bring up a good point here. Just saying. Unless Dawn’s feeling up to paying some random homeless dude to pose as Mary Anne’s dad then STFU, Dawn.
Meanwhile, in the sporting goods department, Logan and Kristy are checking out some hella expensive baseball mitts. When Kristy goes off to check out their bat selection, Marcy sidles over to Logan and acts all sexy-face with him.
Marcy asks Logan to do her…
That’s what she said!
…a big favor by helping her pick out some roller skates, since she doesn’t know that much about them. Logan says he doesn’t know a lot about skates, either, but then just kind of goes along with it since Marcy’s being sort of handsy and creepy. You’re weak, Logan. Just as weak as Mary Anne–no wonder you’re a perfect match.
A little while later, Kristy is testing out some baseball bats in a really unsafe fashion, just swinging them in the middle of the store. Thank God she catches Marcy and Logan in the roller skate department, because if she hadn’t gone off to spy on the two of them, she might have accidentally killed some poor wannabe Little Leaguer.
The scene that Kristy finds is a little bit shocking…
You know, in that PG way.
Kristy creeps closer as Marcy tries to seduce Logan. Marcy asks him to the costume party, and even though he makes several excuses about probably not being able to go, she just doesn’t let up. That’s because Logan is such hot property. The two weeks of allowance she has riding on this bet might also have something to do with it.
And it probably doesn’t hurt that she’s a ho.
Anyway, Kristy’s attempt at espionage doesn’t last long, since she somehow manages to bump into a net full of beach balls and send them all crashing over her head.
It’s a little embarassing, sure, but I’m sure that Marcy would have started dry-humping Logan if they hadn’t been interrupted, so I think it’s all for the best.
Later, at the outdoor skating rink, the girls are having an excellent time rolling around in a continuous circle, over and over and over. While they are pulling their skates on, Kristy tells Mary Anne about the tawdry little scene in the roller skate department. Kristy makes a big effing deal about how Marcy asked Logan out and how Logan didn’t exactly say no, and Mary Anne responds by being surprisingly cool.
She says she’s not worried about Marcy and Logan, because Logan is obviously into HER because he’s her boyfriend. And anyway, everybody knows that Marcy is the town bicycle and will flirt with everybody. She tells Kristy that she’s making something out of nothing. Wow, MA–way to be self-assured.
This doesn’t last, though. Marcy skates up to Mary Anne and asks where Logan is, because he said they were supposed to meet at two.
Instead of cutting that bitch, Mary Anne just sort of watches with a sad puppy face as Marcy skates away, into Logan’s arms.
Feel free to REALLY reject Marcy at any time, Logan. Seriously.
Oh, and during this sad interlude, Dawn, Claudia, and Stacey give Marcy and her posse a new nickname: the Brunettes, as in Logan Bruno’s Brun-ettes. Get it? Isn’t that so totally clever?
Sure it is.
Later, Dawn and Kristy are at a playground babysitting a couple of rugrats. Kristy says that they need to come up with some kind of plan to deal with this Logan-Marcy Debacle, but Dawn says that they should probably keep their noses out of it.
Of course, Kristy won’t listen to reason and insists that something must be done. But what? WHAT, dammit?!
When they start to play I Spy with the kids, the revelation hits Ms. Kristy like a ton of troublemaking bricks–why don’t they all spy on Logan to see what’s really happening between him and Marcy! Yeah, that’s the ticket!
It’s so much better than, I don’t know, talking to Logan himself. Or even just threatening to shivv Marcy in an alley sometime as she walks home from school.
So then we have to sit through a few scenes where Kristy and the rest of the BSC (everybody but Mary Anne, of course) attempt to be subtle and slick as they watch Marcy throw herself at Logan. I’m sure there’s at least one scene where Marcy tries to throw her panties at Logan, though certainly it was edited due to time constraints.
After school, the girls report their findings back to Mary Anne, who says that she doesn’t want their help at all, so they can quit with this spying shizz. Kristy urges Mary Anne to just talk to Logan in person–gee, if it isn’t the instigating pot calling the passive-aggressive kettle black–but Mary Anne says she “just can’t” and, more importantly, she already trusts Logan enough not to assume he’s cheating on her.
Kristy says that Mary Anne has got to tell Logan how she “really feels.” Umm… I’m thinking that Mary Anne “really feels” that Logan isn’t cheating on her, so just back TFO already! Yeesh.
Sadly, the other girls also urge MA to talk to Logan about her non-existent feelings, proving that Kristy clearly rules the BSC with an iron fist. Stacey says that maybe Logan is taking Marcy to the party because he doesn’t know how Mary Anne “really feels.”
Ugh. When did we decide that Logan and Marcy are going to the party together? Did I miss something here, or is it just that Kristy has done a thoroughly awesome job of stirring the pot?
Again, I’m going with Door Number Two.
Later that night, in the comfort and privacy of her room, Mary Anne is practicing her little speech that she will soon say to Logan about how she really likes him and doesn’t exactly appreciate how much time he’s spending with Marcy.
Dawn comes in and tells Mary Anne that she doesn’t have to talk to Logan if she doesn’t want to.
Way to send mixed messages, bitch.
Mary Anne tells her that she does want to talk to Logan, but “just can’t.” Ugh… what the hell? Is Mary Anne confident and mature, or just completely spineless? She keeps saying totally contradictory things.
Decide, writers. She can be a mix of both, but just stop fucking with me and make it clear that her feelings are conflicted or whatever. Ugh.
The next day, at the annual school fair (after which the big costume party will be held), Logan is out front handing out free balloons to everybody. He tries to get Mary Anne to talk about why she’s been acting so weird lately. Mary Anne is kind of bitch-face about it, telling Logan that nothing is weird and so he should just go have a good time at the costume party instead of babysitting with her as planned.
Mary Anne stalks off and leaves poor, dumb-founded Logan just standing there with his helium tank, balloons, and puzzling accent.
Throughout the whole school fair, Marcy keeps trying to get into Logan’s pants, which he seems a little too tolerant about, if you ask me.
When the kids are playing a party game where you try to pass an apple to one another without using your arms, Marcy is all…
And Mary Anne and Claud are all, “Oh, no you didn’t!”
Looks like Mary Anne has had just about enough. At the next available opportunity, MA totally pies that beyotch.
Let that be a lesson to you Marcy–don’t ever insult someone with access to pie. Seriously.
Later, at her babysitting gig with the Rodowsky kids, Logan arrives to help Mary Anne.
Mary Anne gets all bitch-face yet again and Logan actually stands up for himself. Mary Anne says that if he doesn’t like the way she’s acting, he should just go to the damn costume party, and Logan calls her bluff and leaves.
Jackie Rodowsky asks some completely redundant questions about why Logan and Mary Anne are mad at each other, which I guess is supposed to highlight the wisdom of children or some shit, and then we cut over to the costume party, where the real action is.
The BSC are appropriately dressed as football players as they stand together in a huddle, talking about how they need to keep an eye on Marcy and Logan.
Part of me wants to tell them to STFU again, but then again we wouldn’t get the epic war of words between Marcy and Kristy, so I guess it’s cool.
Marcy and her skanks-in-waiting arrive and the battle ensues. Basically, it goes a little something like this…
KRISTY: Where’s Logan? Did you send him to the VD clinic to pick up your meds?
MARCY: Actually, he wanted to see me later, ALONE. We’re going to meet up at our special place.
KRISTY: Where? The boys’ locker room?
That last line is ACTUALLY what Kristy says, to which I say… Oh, snap!
What diva-esque zinger will you say in response to THAT, Marcy?
MARCY: Look who’s talking!
Uhm… what? Like Kristy’s some big ho or something? I beg to differ, Marcy. The only person Kristy’s making out with is HERSELF, and everybody knows it.
Then Marcy tells Kristy to face it, “Logan just doesn’t like your drippy little friend anymore.”
Kristy magically produces a garden hose, which she uses to spray Marcy and her friends.
Marcy and co. freak out about this, but let’s not feel too bad for them. I’m sure that in just a few minutes, they’ll be taking advantage of their wet clothes by filming some sexy YouTube vids.
In the meantime, Logan comes back to the Rodowsky place looking for Mary Anne. Jackie informs him that she just left about fifteen minutes ago.
The rest of the BSC have left the costume party and are now on their on the way to the Rodowsky place. Kristy says she’s shocked that Logan is meeting Marcy somewhere later. Claud remarks that she didn’t think Logan was that kind of person, but Stacey says that you can never really tell with guys. The girls all nod in agreement, like they know so much about relationships and junk.
Back at the costume party, Mary Anne comes looking for Logan. Instead, she finds a drenched Marcy talking about what a “rat” Logan is for standing her up at the last minute. Mary Anne is all, “Sweet!” and scurries off (presumably to find Logan).
Meanwhile, Claud, Kristy, Dawn, Mallory, and Stacey arrive at the Rodowsky house and ask for Mary Anne. Jackie reports that she’s not there anymore, so they leave to go look for her elsewhere. Inside the house, Mrs. Rodowsky decides to check the phone book for a less intrusive baby-sitting service.
In another part of town. Logan and Mary Anne are both looking for one another. They meet at the end of a long stone wall.
Interesting. I think it’s supposed to be a visual metaphor for the separation between them because of their lack of communication, or maybe the director just didn’t feel like getting establishing shots for both of them. Either way, the two of them decide that it’s finally time to talk about the bug up MA’s ass.
Mary Anne explains that she was starting to feel a wee bit upset about how much time Logan was spending with Marcy. Logan says that there’s nothing going on between him and Marcy. In fact, he never even agreed to go out with her in the first place, it was just that stupid bitch Kristy who was jumping to conclusions. They end up at Mary Anne’s house, where they sit on the porch and agree to talk to one another whenever they are upset about anything.
Nice. If we could all figure out how to do that, then I’m sure the divorce rate in America would go way down.
Logan tells Mary Anne that Marcy is a nice girl, but she’s just not “special” the way Mary Anne is. I beg to differ, Big L–I think Marcy IS pretty special, considering she’s the sluttiest girl in Stoneybrook. I know there’s not a ton of competition, but it’s still nice to be the best at something.
A second later, the rest of the Baby-Sitters Club arrives. They’re having a major freak-out about how they need to warn her about what an evil bastard Logan is and how Mary Anne needs to get herself tested for STDs and–
Oh, oops. Hi, Logan. We thought you’d be busy getting chlamydia from Marcy, not here on the porch with MA!
Logan tells the girls that they’re good babysitters, but shitty detectives. He says, once and for all, that nothing’s happening with Marcy, so they all just need to chill-ax about everything. The girls finally back off and everything is back to normal.
The episode ends with everybody happily going inside to grab a bite to eat.
Hmm… Interesting. I don’t suppose we’ll bother discussing how Kristy needs to learn how to mind her own business… or how Logan needs to learn how to just say no to hoes… or how Mary Anne has got to stop saying that she “just can’t” do something. Whatever, everything’s ok now because we’re all going to eat pizza or whatever! Yay!
The moral of the story: don’t fuck with the BSC, or you’ll get your honkey ass pied and/or sprayed with a water hose. Believe it.