I really thought I could get through The Vampire Diaries in one swoop with no snarkage, but I couldn’t. I was like a shaken-up soda can, but instead of fizz, I was filled with snark. I had to have an outlet, there was just no way around it, thus my mini-reviews. There’s also a CW show based on this series premiering shortly, so I thought it might behoove me to recap the first book.
But for the first time in my illustrious career, I have to say that I’ve had a slightly-less-than awesome time finishing a book. I even debated leaving the book unfinished, which is kind of a first for me, such was my distaste for the characters.
That being said, I’ll probably watch the CW show, since I have the option of putting it on mute and salivating over the hot guy who plays Stefan.
In any case, this will be the last of my Vamp Diaries mini-recaps, so expect a delicious, nutricious, Elena Gilbert-free “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” recap soon.
So when we last left Ms. Elena, she was gearing up for her big seduction at the Homecoming Dance. While she doesn’t wear a lucky thong (that we know of) she does make sure that she looks like a million bucks.
She wishes she were this fierce…
Quiet, Regina, Halloween comes several vampire attacks later.
Anyway, we get to the dance and (squee!) Stefan is there. Elena moves in for the kill, and for a moment, things seem to be going her way.
And by “going her way,” I mean that the bloodlust in Stefan’s eyes sort of frightens (and yet attracts) her.
Yeah, I don’t get it either. What is up with these teen girls being flattered when their vampire boyfriends want to eat them? It doesn’t mean you’re cool or anything–it probably just means you’re on your period. Well, whatever. Elena is totally cock-blocked by a bitchy girl named Caroline, who managed to sink her claws into Stefan despite her inferior social status.
You’re cool, Caroline. I know I’m supposed to think you’re a jerk, but I’m guessing she just came out and asked, “Hey, new guy, want to take me to the dance?” so I must give her props for that.
Elena reacts to the foiling of her seduction plan in the most mature and intelligent way possible–by flirting with every guy in the room, getting kinda drunk, and making some girl cry by stealing her boyfriend. And then she gets crowned homecoming queen. All hail Queen Elena!
Don’t you just wish someone would pour a bucket of pig’s blood on her? The upside is that it would probably attract Stefan a lot more effectively than Elena’s scheming.
In a daze, Elena leaves the dance with Tyler (her stolen date), leaving her loyal friends Bonnie and Meredith behind wondering what happened to her. It’s a good thing Elena’s friends don’t hate her as much as I do, because they organize a little search party to make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble. Because, you know, what could happen with two drunk teenagers in formal-wear?
Elena and company head down to the scary old graveyard, I guess because that’s the only cool place to hang out in Fell’s Church. While Tyler’s friend and his inebriated date make out in a church, Elena begins to realize that maybe this is not the best situation for her to be in.
She tells Tyler to take her home, but he decides it would be more fun to try to sexually assault her near some gravestones. Elena is naturally freaked out and ready to fight to the death but Stefan comes to the rescue in time for Elena to avoid a nasty black eye.
Elena gets the feeling the Stefan might actually kill Tyler, so she tells him to stop. The two of them make their way to Tyler’s room at the boarding house, where Elena freshens up a bit.
In the bathroom, once she has a moment to collect herself, Elena gets really mad. No, not at Tyler the Wannabe Rapist, but at Stefan for–freaking get this!–being so calm when he saved her life.
Elena finally explodes at Stefan and demands to know why he’s been treating her so badly these past weeks. She’s like, “How come you’re not drooling all over me and treating me like the amazing boner factory that I am?”
And Stefan confesses that Elena looks an awful lot like a dead friend of his, and even if he knows they’re not the same person, it’s still tough for him. He leaves out the part about wanting to suck her blood, I think.
Somehow this encounter ends with the two of them making out… which I guess is a good thing?
After some lip-locking and lots of inner-monologue about how much they love each other (when did that happen?) they both head back to Stefan’s car, only to find the cops waiting for them. Apparently, after hearing about the strange incident at the graveyard, Elena’s friends called the cops, who were out looking for her.
At this point we find out that, after Elefan (their new couple-y name) left, the remaining kids at the graveyard were viciously attacked by someone or something. Since everyone’s favorite bloodsucker was busy entertaining the homecoming queen, who could it be?
If you guessed “Damon, Stefan’s evil older brother”–you are right!
Here’s the story with Damon: back in Renaissance Italy, Stefan and Damon were both in love with Katherine, a beautiful vampire with strangely modern features. Both of them wanted to be with her, but she couldn’t decide who she loved best. The two guys dueled for her, with fatal results for both of them. Katherine was so distraught about all the drama that she killed herself, but not before turning both Stefan and Damon into vampires because she couldn’t stand the idea of the brothers dying just because of her.
None of that actually makes sense to me, but there you have it. I guess the best way to keep two boys from fighting is to kill yourself and make them both immortal. Maybe she figured they were both so hot that it was a waste for the two of them to kick the bucket.
Okay, so now Elena and Stefan are a couple. I’ll spare you all the crap about how in love they are and blah blah blah. Elena thinks a lot about this stuff, especially how romantic it is that Stefan was “watching [her] from the very beginning.” Give me a moment to wipe the puke off my lips and pop a breath mint.
So yeah… happy couple stuff… Halloween committee preparations… random attacks in town. You know, the usual. The townsfolk are starting to suspect that Stefan is more than meets the eye, which makes things a little awkward for him, but no one calls the Frog brothers, so I guess everything is okay.
Oh, and then his brother Damon shows up and hits on Elena, who unsurprisingly finds him kinda scary and kinda hot. I think I smell a lurve triangle a-brewing, yet somehow I’m too apathetic even to Google it.
And then Stefan suddenly disappears…
And then Elena seeks out Damon for answers…
And then I sighed with relief at not having to read about these people any more. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be watching some 90’s Nickelodeon for the next 50 hours.