Are You Afraid of the Dark? – The Tale of Apartment 214

title.png

So here we are again in front of the roaring campfire. Tucker’s being his usual pesky self, messing around with Gary’s bag o’ magic dust and telling Frank he’s dead from the neck up.

Ha ha. I kind of like that one, actually.

Apparently Frank’s super-tired from helping his brother move all day. All the kids agree that moving totally sucks a big donkey, but Kiki insists that moving is great. Lugging boxes sucks, but you’re in a new, mysterious place that might hold plenty of surprises…

<insert titillating wind-chime-and-breeze sound effects here>

…oh, and something about how you shouldn’t break promises because they might come back to haunt you or whatever. Not sure what that has to do with moving into a new house, but I guess it’s as good a segueway as we’re going to get.

Read more ›

Tagged with: , ,
Posted in Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Danger, Stereotypes, TV recaps

The Vampire Diaries pt. 3 – The End is Nigh

I really thought I could get through The Vampire Diaries in one swoop with no snarkage, but I couldn’t. I was like a shaken-up soda can, but instead of fizz, I was filled with snark. I had to have an outlet, there was just no way around it, thus my mini-reviews. There’s also a CW show based on this series premiering shortly, so I thought it might behoove me to recap the first book.

But for the first time in my illustrious career, I have to say that I’ve had a slightly-less-than awesome time finishing a book. I even debated leaving the book unfinished, which is kind of a first for me, such was my distaste for the characters.

That being said, I’ll probably watch the CW show, since I have the option of putting it on mute and salivating over the hot guy who plays Stefan.

vampire-diaries-paul-wesley-stefan-salvatore.jpg

In any case, this will be the last of my Vamp Diaries mini-recaps, so expect a delicious, nutricious, Elena Gilbert-free “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” recap soon.

So when we last left Ms. Elena, she was gearing up for her big seduction at the Homecoming Dance. While she doesn’t wear a lucky thong (that we know of) she does make sure that she looks like a million bucks.

meangirls02.jpg
She wishes she were this fierce…

Quiet, Regina, Halloween comes several vampire attacks later.

Read more ›

Tagged with: , ,
Posted in Mini-Reviews, Stereotypes, The Vampire Diaries

Elena Cullen

I’m about half-way through THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, with no sympathetic characters in sight. In this section, learned that Elena’s parents died in a car accident a few years ago, which I guess is supposed to make me like her, but really it just seems like she’s been using their deaths as an excuse to act like a bitch for the last several years.

But it’s ok, because she’s beautiful and she looks like a vampire that Stefan once loved, so we’re totally rooting for her even as she acts like a total stalker.

Gawd, this girl is weird. You would think that the so-called “Queen of [high school]” would have better things to do than obsess over the new boy, but Regina George she is not.

mean-girls-mean-girls-200458_1024_768.jpg Bitch, please!

Lately, most of Elena’s time has been divided between throwing herself at Stefan, thinking about how much the other boys want to bang her, and spreading mean rumors about Stefan so he’ll be friendless and lonely and more likely to pay attention to her.

Seriously, I’m not even kidding here. The bitch is crazy. Like, Edward-Cullen-crazy. If she could, she’d probably watch Stefan sleep, but luckily she’s just an ordinary mortal girl right now, so poor tortured Stef is safe.

Well, sort of safe. He’s fighting some major bloodlust, which is aggravated when Elena is around. One evening, he’s just minding his own business, hanging around the cemetery the way all good vamps should, when Elena comes along to visit her parents’ grave. Stefan is so fixated on her blood that he almost kills Elena and her two interchangeable friends, but stops himself by feeding on an old homeless man, instead.

Stefan feels a little bad about this, but of course an old homeless guy is worth 1/4 of what Elena is worth, so it’s really no big deal.

Anyway, it’s been three weeks since the attack on the homeless dude, and things in the tiny town of Fell’s Church, Virginia (because that’s exactly where I would go if I were a centuries old vampire) are starting to calm down again. In the meantime, crazy-ass Elena invented a hot, older French boyfriend named Jean-Claude. She even goes so far as to send herself bouquets of roses and what-not to make the other girls jealous.

Apparently the Jean-Claude ruse is supposed to make everyone forget that she ever liked Stefan at all, so that her “social position” remains secure. The fuck? Like you automatically lose your queen status once one damn guy doesn’t want to bang you? Sorry, but that’s awfully sexist. I think we should choose the queen based on who survives longest in hand-to-hand combat. Whoever is left standing may rule as she deems fit. In this case, my bet is Elena–crazies have unexpected strength.

Speaking of crazy… Elena is so obsessed with Stefan by now that she can’t think of anything but him, and she’s actually losing weight because she’s not eating anymore, such is her misery.

Yeah, that’s how upset she is that ONE DAMN GUY isn’t punching the clown to her yearbook picture on a nightly basis. Sorry, El, but I think that Stefan has other things on his mind, like… I don’t know… trying not to kill people and stuff.

Looks like Elena needs a small dose of reality…

hes_just_not_that_into_you.jpg

Of course, like many teen girls, Elena is incredibly attracted to Stefan because he treats her like a piece of crap while other, nicer boys like Let’s-Just-Be-Friends Matt, are waiting in the wings.

Screw you, nicer boys. Elena wants a fella with some bite!

At the conclusion of today’s reading sesh, Elena has convinced her old buddy Matt to do her the tiniest of favors. Matt and Stefan are kind of friends, though Matt makes it clear that Stefan keeps Matt way past arm’s length from Stefan’s personal life and/or after-school hobo killing activities. Nevertheless, Elena wants Matt to at least try to convince Stefan to go to the big Homecoming Dance.

Hmmm… I sense the Act II turning point coming up just around the bend! Methinks Elena will be showing up in her best slutty dress and lucky thong. Good luck, you crazy little ferret!

Tagged with: , , , ,
Posted in Danger, Mini-Reviews, Other books, The Vampire Diaries

Preliminary thoughts on “The Vampire Diaries”

n12372.jpg

So here’s the thing… I’m trying to read this book. The whole thing is available for free online from HarperTeen in anticipation of the new show premiering soon on the CW, so I figured, “Why they hell not?”

I’m only about 40 or so pages into it, and let me just say that it’s getting harder and harder for me to stand the heroine, Elena. Seriously, Elena–what is your problem, baby girl? I know that your parents recently kicked the bucket (or something like that, I’m not sure yet) but there’s no reason to be so obsessed with the new boy, Stefan.

First of all, he doesn’t sparkle. That’s one strike against him. And he’s not played by Robert Pattinson, so that’s strike two. Strike three? No bouffant.

twilight.jpg

I rest my damn case.

Apparently, Elena is intrigued by Stefan for because A) he’s a hot boy with a Porsche, and B) he seems totally uninterested in jumping her bones.

You see, Elena is a hottie with a body. We learn that not be observing everyone else’s reactions to her, or some other traditional means of exposition, but by the oh-so-subtle trick of having the character look in a mirror and describe herself in very glowing terms.

Because I know I just LOVE being told what to think of characters–how else would I know who to find hot?

So yeah, all the boys at school are totally tripping over their boners to get a piece of Elena… except for sexy-ass Stefan, of course, who actually IS interested in baby girl, except he’s reluctant to get closer because he sort of vants to suck her blood more than, I don’t know, take her out to dinner and a movie.

But wait, there’s more. Stefan has mind-reading powers, sort of. As far as I can tell right now, he’s an empath-type, which is totally different from a telepath. Oh, and he thinks that Elena is the spitting image of an old love named Katherine, who I don’t know too much about yet.

So, between the playing hard to get, resemblance to a dead ex-lover, and Elena crying lots because there’s one guy in town who isn’t trying to burrow into her pants, we might have ourselves a good, snarkable time.

More later as my eyes recover from my long-ish on-screen reading sesh.

Tagged with: , , ,
Posted in Danger, Other books, Stereotypes, The Vampire Diaries

The Baby-Sitters Club #1 – “Kristy’s Big Idea”

6a00e55007a314883401053696b574970c-800wi.jpg
via Scholastic Blog

Here we are, right back to where it all began. I must say that this one is pretty well-written, I’d guess because Ann M. hadn’t yet turned to ghosties. In addition to zany baby-sitting stories, we’ve also got a fair bit of tween-tastic angst and even a mini-throw-down between the BSC.

Let’s get it on…

Back-Cover Blurb:
Kristy thinks the Baby-Sitters Club is a great idea. She and her friends Claudia, Stacey, and Mary Anne all love taking care of kids. A club will give them the chance to have lots of fun–and make tons of money. (Sorry, but isn’t that what escort services say to lure impressionable college girls into prostitution?)

But nobody counted on crank calls, uncontrollable two-year-olds, wild pets, and parents who don’t always tell the truth. And then there’s Stacey, who’s acting more and more mysterious. Having a baby-sitters club isn’t easy, but Kristy and her friends aren’t giving up until they get it right!

Read more ›

Posted in BabySitters Club, Questionable Parenting

Goosebumps #16 – “One Day at HorrorLand”

SCAN0163

I know the cover says that HorrorLand is “where nightmares come to life,” but honestly most of the rides in this amusement park sounded pretty fun to me, but I’m a big fan of scary movies and haunted houses, so I guess I’m weird like that.

Honestly, I think that a day watching Flavor of Love or NYC Prep would be when “my nightmares come to life.” A park filled with dangerous rides and hulking monsters? I can handle that.

Back-Cover Blurb:
The next ride might be their last…

The Morris family got lost trying to find Zoo Gardens Theme Park. But that’s okay. They found another amusement park instead. It’s called HorrorLand.

In Horrorland there are no crowds. No lines. And the admission is free. It seems like a pretty cool place.

But that was before the heart-stopping ride on the deadly Doom Slide. And that terrifying experience in the House of Mirrors. (Is that when Clinton and Stacey made you check out how your outfits flatten your butt? Because yeah, I know I would be freaked out by that.)

Because there’s seomthing weird about the rides in HorrorLand.

Something a little creepy.

A little too real…

Read more ›

Tagged with: , , , ,
Posted in Danger, Goosebumps, Questionable Parenting

I Get Around!

If you just can’t get enough of my sweet, snarky goodness, then head on down to the Dairi Burger for my guest post.

I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but it involves Dawn Schafer, a dream boy, and that really hot guy from Swan’s Crossing. Let’s all have a panty drop moment together!

Posted in Personal Crap