I’m about half-way through THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, with no sympathetic characters in sight. In this section, learned that Elena’s parents died in a car accident a few years ago, which I guess is supposed to make me like her, but really it just seems like she’s been using their deaths as an excuse to act like a bitch for the last several years.

But it’s ok, because she’s beautiful and she looks like a vampire that Stefan once loved, so we’re totally rooting for her even as she acts like a total stalker.

Gawd, this girl is weird. You would think that the so-called “Queen of [high school]” would have better things to do than obsess over the new boy, but Regina George she is not.

Bitch, please!

Lately, most of Elena’s time has been divided between throwing herself at Stefan, thinking about how much the other boys want to bang her, and spreading mean rumors about Stefan so he’ll be friendless and lonely and more likely to pay attention to her.

Seriously, I’m not even kidding here. The bitch is crazy. Like, Edward-Cullen-crazy. If she could, she’d probably watch Stefan sleep, but luckily she’s just an ordinary mortal girl right now, so poor tortured Stef is safe.

Well, sort of safe. He’s fighting some major bloodlust, which is aggravated when Elena is around. One evening, he’s just minding his own business, hanging around the cemetery the way all good vamps should, when Elena comes along to visit her parents’ grave. Stefan is so fixated on her blood that he almost kills Elena and her two interchangeable friends, but stops himself by feeding on an old homeless man, instead.

Stefan feels a little bad about this, but of course an old homeless guy is worth 1/4 of what Elena is worth, so it’s really no big deal.

Anyway, it’s been three weeks since the attack on the homeless dude, and things in the tiny town of Fell’s Church, Virginia (because that’s exactly where I would go if I were a centuries old vampire) are starting to calm down again. In the meantime, crazy-ass Elena invented a hot, older French boyfriend named Jean-Claude. She even goes so far as to send herself bouquets of roses and what-not to make the other girls jealous.

Apparently the Jean-Claude ruse is supposed to make everyone forget that she ever liked Stefan at all, so that her “social position” remains secure. The fuck? Like you automatically lose your queen status once one damn guy doesn’t want to bang you? Sorry, but that’s awfully sexist. I think we should choose the queen based on who survives longest in hand-to-hand combat. Whoever is left standing may rule as she deems fit. In this case, my bet is Elena–crazies have unexpected strength.

Speaking of crazy… Elena is so obsessed with Stefan by now that she can’t think of anything but him, and she’s actually losing weight because she’s not eating anymore, such is her misery.

Yeah, that’s how upset she is that ONE DAMN GUY isn’t punching the clown to her yearbook picture on a nightly basis. Sorry, El, but I think that Stefan has other things on his mind, like… I don’t know… trying not to kill people and stuff.

Looks like Elena needs a small dose of reality…

Of course, like many teen girls, Elena is incredibly attracted to Stefan because he treats her like a piece of crap while other, nicer boys like Let’s-Just-Be-Friends Matt, are waiting in the wings.

Screw you, nicer boys. Elena wants a fella with some bite!

At the conclusion of today’s reading sesh, Elena has convinced her old buddy Matt to do her the tiniest of favors. Matt and Stefan are kind of friends, though Matt makes it clear that Stefan keeps Matt way past arm’s length from Stefan’s personal life and/or after-school hobo killing activities. Nevertheless, Elena wants Matt to at least try to convince Stefan to go to the big Homecoming Dance.

Hmmm… I sense the Act II turning point coming up just around the bend! Methinks Elena will be showing up in her best slutty dress and lucky thong. Good luck, you crazy little ferret!