Goosebumps #36 – “The Haunted Mask II”

Halloween only comes once a year, but when you recap Goosebumps books, you can celebrate just as often as you’ve got the Halloween-themed books to supply it.

In true Halloween spirit, I made sure to gobble down as much leftover candy as possible. By the time I was finished with this book, there were Twizzler and Kit-Kat wrappers everywhere–it was like a bunch of twelve-year-olds had thrown a party or something.

Unfortch, I don’t have a copy of “The Haunted Mask,” but you can find a nifty recap of the TV episodes here.

Back-Cover Blurb:
Just call him Prune Face!

Steve Boswell will never forget Carly Beth’s Halloween mask. It was so gross. So terrifying.

But this year Steve wants to have the scariest costume on the block. So he gets a mask from the same store where Carly Beth got hers. It looks like a creepy old man. With stringy hair. A wrinkled face. And spiders crawling out of the ears!

Steve’s definetely got the scariest mask around. Too bad he’s starting to feel so old. And so tired. And so evil…

Goosebumps #48 – “Attack of the Jack-O’-Lanterns

I know, I know. It’s not quite Halloween any more, but hopefully this wonderful book (with it’s pumpkin-headed villains and WTF ending) will still be a treat. Note the trick-or-treaters on the cover–obviously wearing your normal clothes, but jamming a pumpkin on top of your head works for a costume.

I guess I can’t complain. Last night I wore a stocking cap with cat ears on top and said “meow” occasionally. I was going to be Little Red Riding Hood or maybe Zombie Blair Waldorf, but I just didn’t pull it together in time. Makes me think that these kids were like, “Crap! We don’t have costumes. Let’s just wear pumpkins! That’s BRILLIANT!”

Back Cover Blurb:
Pumpkin power!

Nothing beats Halloween. (Except for maybe Chuck Norris.) It’s Drew Brockman’s favorite holiday. And this year will be awesome. Much better than last year. Or the year Lee and Tabby played that joke. A nasty practical joke on Drew and her best friend, Walker.

Yes, this year Drew and Walker have a plan. A plan for revenge. It involves two scary pumpkin heads.

But something’s gone wrong. Way wrong. Because the pumpkin heads are a little too scary. A little too real. With strange hissing voices. And flames shooting out of their faces…

The Baby-Sitters Club #2 – “Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls”

Via BSC Wiki

Yay! A Claudia book!

She’s always had a special place in my heart. We’ve got a lot in common. As a kid, I was also… um… less than brainy. I know what you’re thinking–little asian girls with bad grades exist in real life?

Yes, they do. We’re extremely rare. It’s like finding a unicorn or something.

Back-Cover Blurb:
None this time. Sorry! I’m reading this in a big compilation of the first three books, so I don’t get the benefit of feisty back-cover copy. Perhaps I can make it up to you, though.

You’re welcome.

“The Hitchhiker” by R.L. Stine

Damn, I missed you guys. I swore to myself that I’d update this blog every single week, but look how long it’s been since my last post.

Five weeks long, that’s what.

I’ve got no excuses–we’re all busy. I don’t want to be one of those a-holes who acts like I’m too busy to blog. I’m not too busy to watch Glee or post suggestive photos on Myspace, so it’s just an issue of time management. As a token of my sincere apologies, I present to you my first-ever non-Goosebumps R.L. Stine recap.

It’s not a Fear Street book, but it’s one of his works for teens. Can you handle the (PG-13) scares?

Back-Cover Blurb:
Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a deadly ride…

He wants a ride. She wants a thrill. So in spite of her best friend Terri’s arguments, Christina stops to pick up the handsome hitchhiker.

He’s everything she thought he’d be. And more. Much, much, more.

Maybe too much more.

Maybe enough to thrill Christina and Terri… to death…

Ooooh. Enter if you dare!

Are You Afraid of the Dark? – The Tale of Apartment 214

So here we are again in front of the roaring campfire. Tucker’s being his usual pesky self, messing around with Gary’s bag o’ magic dust and telling Frank he’s dead from the neck up.

Ha ha. I kind of like that one, actually.

Apparently Frank’s super-tired from helping his brother move all day. All the kids agree that moving totally sucks a big donkey, but Kiki insists that moving is great. Lugging boxes sucks, but you’re in a new, mysterious place that might hold plenty of surprises…

<insert titillating wind-chime-and-breeze sound effects here>

…oh, and something about how you shouldn’t break promises because they might come back to haunt you or whatever. Not sure what that has to do with moving into a new house, but I guess it’s as good a segueway as we’re going to get.

The Vampire Diaries pt. 3 – The End is Nigh

I really thought I could get through The Vampire Diaries in one swoop with no snarkage, but I couldn’t. I was like a shaken-up soda can, but instead of fizz, I was filled with snark. I had to have an outlet, there was just no way around it, thus my mini-reviews. There’s also a CW show based on this series premiering shortly, so I thought it might behoove me to recap the first book.

But for the first time in my illustrious career, I have to say that I’ve had a slightly-less-than awesome time finishing a book. I even debated leaving the book unfinished, which is kind of a first for me, such was my distaste for the characters.

That being said, I’ll probably watch the CW show, since I have the option of putting it on mute and salivating over the hot guy who plays Stefan.

In any case, this will be the last of my Vamp Diaries mini-recaps, so expect a delicious, nutricious, Elena Gilbert-free “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” recap soon.

So when we last left Ms. Elena, she was gearing up for her big seduction at the Homecoming Dance. While she doesn’t wear a lucky thong (that we know of) she does make sure that she looks like a million bucks.

She wishes she were this fierce…

Quiet, Regina, Halloween comes several vampire attacks later.

Elena Cullen

I’m about half-way through THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, with no sympathetic characters in sight. In this section, learned that Elena’s parents died in a car accident a few years ago, which I guess is supposed to make me like her, but really it just seems like she’s been using their deaths as an excuse to act like a bitch for the last several years.

But it’s ok, because she’s beautiful and she looks like a vampire that Stefan once loved, so we’re totally rooting for her even as she acts like a total stalker.

Gawd, this girl is weird. You would think that the so-called “Queen of [high school]” would have better things to do than obsess over the new boy, but Regina George she is not.

Bitch, please!

Lately, most of Elena’s time has been divided between throwing herself at Stefan, thinking about how much the other boys want to bang her, and spreading mean rumors about Stefan so he’ll be friendless and lonely and more likely to pay attention to her.

Seriously, I’m not even kidding here. The bitch is crazy. Like, Edward-Cullen-crazy. If she could, she’d probably watch Stefan sleep, but luckily she’s just an ordinary mortal girl right now, so poor tortured Stef is safe.

Well, sort of safe. He’s fighting some major bloodlust, which is aggravated when Elena is around. One evening, he’s just minding his own business, hanging around the cemetery the way all good vamps should, when Elena comes along to visit her parents’ grave. Stefan is so fixated on her blood that he almost kills Elena and her two interchangeable friends, but stops himself by feeding on an old homeless man, instead.

Stefan feels a little bad about this, but of course an old homeless guy is worth 1/4 of what Elena is worth, so it’s really no big deal.

Anyway, it’s been three weeks since the attack on the homeless dude, and things in the tiny town of Fell’s Church, Virginia (because that’s exactly where I would go if I were a centuries old vampire) are starting to calm down again. In the meantime, crazy-ass Elena invented a hot, older French boyfriend named Jean-Claude. She even goes so far as to send herself bouquets of roses and what-not to make the other girls jealous.

Apparently the Jean-Claude ruse is supposed to make everyone forget that she ever liked Stefan at all, so that her “social position” remains secure. The fuck? Like you automatically lose your queen status once one damn guy doesn’t want to bang you? Sorry, but that’s awfully sexist. I think we should choose the queen based on who survives longest in hand-to-hand combat. Whoever is left standing may rule as she deems fit. In this case, my bet is Elena–crazies have unexpected strength.

Speaking of crazy… Elena is so obsessed with Stefan by now that she can’t think of anything but him, and she’s actually losing weight because she’s not eating anymore, such is her misery.

Yeah, that’s how upset she is that ONE DAMN GUY isn’t punching the clown to her yearbook picture on a nightly basis. Sorry, El, but I think that Stefan has other things on his mind, like… I don’t know… trying not to kill people and stuff.

Looks like Elena needs a small dose of reality…

Of course, like many teen girls, Elena is incredibly attracted to Stefan because he treats her like a piece of crap while other, nicer boys like Let’s-Just-Be-Friends Matt, are waiting in the wings.

Screw you, nicer boys. Elena wants a fella with some bite!

At the conclusion of today’s reading sesh, Elena has convinced her old buddy Matt to do her the tiniest of favors. Matt and Stefan are kind of friends, though Matt makes it clear that Stefan keeps Matt way past arm’s length from Stefan’s personal life and/or after-school hobo killing activities. Nevertheless, Elena wants Matt to at least try to convince Stefan to go to the big Homecoming Dance.

Hmmm… I sense the Act II turning point coming up just around the bend! Methinks Elena will be showing up in her best slutty dress and lucky thong. Good luck, you crazy little ferret!

Preliminary thoughts on “The Vampire Diaries”

So here’s the thing… I’m trying to read this book. The whole thing is available for free online from HarperTeen in anticipation of the new show premiering soon on the CW, so I figured, “Why they hell not?”

I’m only about 40 or so pages into it, and let me just say that it’s getting harder and harder for me to stand the heroine, Elena. Seriously, Elena–what is your problem, baby girl? I know that your parents recently kicked the bucket (or something like that, I’m not sure yet) but there’s no reason to be so obsessed with the new boy, Stefan.

First of all, he doesn’t sparkle. That’s one strike against him. And he’s not played by Robert Pattinson, so that’s strike two. Strike three? No bouffant.

I rest my damn case.

Apparently, Elena is intrigued by Stefan for because A) he’s a hot boy with a Porsche, and B) he seems totally uninterested in jumping her bones.

You see, Elena is a hottie with a body. We learn that not be observing everyone else’s reactions to her, or some other traditional means of exposition, but by the oh-so-subtle trick of having the character look in a mirror and describe herself in very glowing terms.

Because I know I just LOVE being told what to think of characters–how else would I know who to find hot?

So yeah, all the boys at school are totally tripping over their boners to get a piece of Elena… except for sexy-ass Stefan, of course, who actually IS interested in baby girl, except he’s reluctant to get closer because he sort of vants to suck her blood more than, I don’t know, take her out to dinner and a movie.

But wait, there’s more. Stefan has mind-reading powers, sort of. As far as I can tell right now, he’s an empath-type, which is totally different from a telepath. Oh, and he thinks that Elena is the spitting image of an old love named Katherine, who I don’t know too much about yet.

So, between the playing hard to get, resemblance to a dead ex-lover, and Elena crying lots because there’s one guy in town who isn’t trying to burrow into her pants, we might have ourselves a good, snarkable time.

More later as my eyes recover from my long-ish on-screen reading sesh.

The Baby-Sitters Club #1 – “Kristy’s Big Idea”

via Scholastic Blog

Here we are, right back to where it all began. I must say that this one is pretty well-written, I’d guess because Ann M. hadn’t yet turned to ghosties. In addition to zany baby-sitting stories, we’ve also got a fair bit of tween-tastic angst and even a mini-throw-down between the BSC.

Let’s get it on…

Back-Cover Blurb:
Kristy thinks the Baby-Sitters Club is a great idea. She and her friends Claudia, Stacey, and Mary Anne all love taking care of kids. A club will give them the chance to have lots of fun–and make tons of money. (Sorry, but isn’t that what escort services say to lure impressionable college girls into prostitution?)

But nobody counted on crank calls, uncontrollable two-year-olds, wild pets, and parents who don’t always tell the truth. And then there’s Stacey, who’s acting more and more mysterious. Having a baby-sitters club isn’t easy, but Kristy and her friends aren’t giving up until they get it right!

…

Goosebumps #16 – “One Day at HorrorLand”

I know the cover says that HorrorLand is “where nightmares come to life,” but honestly most of the rides in this amusement park sounded pretty fun to me, but I’m a big fan of scary movies and haunted houses, so I guess I’m weird like that.

Honestly, I think that a day watching Flavor of Love or NYC Prep would be when “my nightmares come to life.” A park filled with dangerous rides and hulking monsters? I can handle that.

Back-Cover Blurb:
The next ride might be their last…

The Morris family got lost trying to find Zoo Gardens Theme Park. But that’s okay. They found another amusement park instead. It’s called HorrorLand.

In Horrorland there are no crowds. No lines. And the admission is free. It seems like a pretty cool place.

But that was before the heart-stopping ride on the deadly Doom Slide. And that terrifying experience in the House of Mirrors. (Is that when Clinton and Stacey made you check out how your outfits flatten your butt? Because yeah, I know I would be freaked out by that.)

Because there’s seomthing weird about the rides in HorrorLand.

Something a little creepy.

A little too real…

…